Sneaker Rock and other things rejected by The Future

Dateline 3.12.2058 - The following entities are hereby rejected from The Future for the duration of eternity and therefore no longer exist: sneaker rock, celebrity gossip, cock-teasing, whining, dogs (excluding corn dogs),  annoyingly sweet & innocent little girls, hipsters, household lint, Will Smith, painful ear infections, smoke detectors, static electricity, car commercials, Belgium, easy listening music, soy foods, Chicago-style pizza, argyle, female facial hair, stank foot, nazis, neo-nazis, white-people braids, the police.

  

"Oh no. My name is Kenny G. and my smooth sounds have been laughed out of existence. Why must you make my soul burn?"

How to tell when you're rocking too hard.

Dateline: 3.12.2058

Greetings from The Future,

As your humble captain of rock, I, Juan V. Martinez, Esq., often feel the need to  explain the finer points of futuristic rocking. 

Unfortunately for you dear reader, this is one of those occasions. 

Today's lesson: How To Tell When You're Rocking Too Hard:

1) Your ears are bleeding

2) You wake up in Kid Rock's hotel room. 

3) You can't afford your personal love slave/realtor because you spent all your money filling your swimming pool with jello. 

4) Women fight over you instead of throwing themselves at you

5) Women throw themselves at each other instead of you

6) Your amplifier is smoking

7) Your brain is bleeding

8) The Catholic Church refuses to acknowledge your existence

9) The ghost of Jimmy Page keeps calling you on your cell phone seeing if you want to get together

10) Thoughts of Juan V. Martinez keep running through your head

11) You constantly get mistaken for Joey Jo Jo 

12) You have a craving for bat's blood

13) Your hands are on fire

If you suffer from any of these symptoms, contact a doctor, the estate of Frank Zappa, or yours truly, Juan V. Martinez before consuming any more alcohol, drugs, or small children.